A client came up to me after being in therapy for quite some time, feeling distressed and restless about a woman ghosting him after being in touch with him for some time. He put up a question “Why am I still feeling this way. Have I still not learnt emotional regulation after all this while?”
To which I responded, “Let’s say you get a cut on your leg and it is bleeding, would you not feel the pain and hurt?”. Just as physical pain is a natural response to injury, emotional pain is a natural response to loss or rejection.
Emotional regulation does not mean emotional suppression. Feeling strong emotions isn’t unhealthy. You cannot have a control over how you feel, but you do have some control over how you act. Understanding your own emotions is a complex task in itself which sometimes take years to unfold and there’s nothing wrong or right about it, it’s just there.
Emotional Regulation:
- Involves recognizing and understanding your emotions.
- Allows you to experience emotions fully without being overwhelmed by them.
- Helps you respond to emotions in a healthy and constructive manner.
- Encourages awareness and acceptance of all feelings, whether positive or negative.
- Uses strategies such as mindfulness, cognitive reappraisal, and problem-solving to manage emotional responses.
Emotional Suppression:
- Involves pushing emotions away or denying their existence.
- Can lead to increased stress and emotional buildup over time.
- May result in unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as avoidance or substance abuse.
- Often leads to a lack of emotional awareness and understanding.
- Can impair relationships and overall mental health by preventing genuine emotional expression.More about emotional regulation.
As therapists, our role is to help clients differentiate between feeling emotions and being controlled by them.
Sigmund Freud’s quote is one of my favourites, “The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy,” underscores the idea that the goal of therapy isn’t to eliminate all distress but to help individuals cope with and understand their natural human emotions. It’s about moving from a place of overwhelming, neurotic pain to a state where one can handle life’s normal ups and downs in a healthy way.
Emotional regulation is not about eradicating emotions but about managing them effectively. It’s a skill that allows people to experience and respond to their emotions in a balanced way, promoting overall mental health and well-being.